June 28, 2011

Interview with God

I ran across this tonight and as I read it I felt the "realness" of the response that God gave to Man. We are all guilty of this and have helped create the monster....what do we need to do in order to correct it? It was just one of those "Makes you go hmmmm." moments this evening...enjoy.

June 26, 2011

"You've Got Mail"

There was a time where I longed to hear the words "You've Got Mail" from my Gateway Desktop computer. I believe that we all used AOL as our first email accounts when the Internet hit big in the mid to late 90's....you know back when we still used dial up connection and had disks not discs. 

I think technology is a wonderful thing and it's proven to be awesome in my case once we moved away from home. Without Facebook or Email our family would be lost. That is our main form of communication on a daily basis...usually multiple times a day. If my parents don't hear from me once a day through some form of online source they will worry and you can be sure one of them calls to check in with me that evening. 

With that being said I must admit I think we have become too dependent on technology when it comes to communication. What happened to sending a greeting or letter through the good 'ole USPS? Our mailboxes (the ones at the road not on your PC) are overloaded with bills and junk mail but we rarely if ever get a nice greeting from a friend or loved one. Maybe I am old fashioned but every time I see a HANDWRITTEN card from a familiar name in my mailbox I instantly get a smile on my face. 

I am a card sending fool....maybe on the verge of crazy. I enjoy making & mailing cards/notes to my family and friends. There is something about a card that says you took the time to buy or make that person a greeting, hand write a quick hello, put a stamp on it and actually put it in the mail. You took time out of your day (and we all know we are ALL busy) for that person instead of just hitting the enter button on your computer. I completely agree it's faster, more convenient and just plain easy but sometimes I wonder what that says about us as people.

I guess I had this on my mind today because in Bible study we were talking about all of the "things" we have in our life that keep us so busy like technology that we forget what it was like when things were simple. Things that took time and showed effort.....a real effort. Sometimes I don't think we do take the time to do the simple things that mean the most. I know some people aren't "card people" and I totally respect that and I this blog isn't a slam to those who fall in that category. It was just a thought that was in my head and happened to be discussed today at church.

I am and always will be that card person. I like receiving greetings in the mail as do my kids. They can't wait to get to the mailbox to see what's in there from Nannee. Sometimes I just mail things to them so they have something to smile about. The crazy thing is that they really do appreciate it and it's something that makes not only them smile; it makes their heart smile too. 

Which brings me to this question....it's kind of like presents....do you really like the gift bag or does it mean more when it's wrapped. Just something to think about. Anyone can throw a gift in a bag with some tissue paper....wrapping it just seems more personal. 

June 24, 2011

War (Long Post folks)

There has been a battle brewing since 2006 and it has finally has come to an ugly head this year.


Growing up I can't recall a time where I really knew about or experienced depression. I never knew about anxiety or what the three letters OCD stood for or meant. I do recall hearing those words often in our house because my mother was and still is a psychiatric nurse. I also remember countless health teachers throughout my middle & high school years talking about the words but who really pays attention in health class? I was a thriving, vibrant and happy student who grew into your typical carefree young adult. 

But something changed...

It seems since 2006 I have had many internal and external struggles that sent me down a very dark path. I was going through a divorce,had a drastic career change, living on my own for the first time and my Mammaw was dying from Leukemia. The only way I knew how to cope was to numb my feelings with a bottle of wine every night. So, there I sat alone in my musty apartment drinking my evenings away only to wake up and go to work and come home to do it all over again. 

Actually, I had learned to numb my feelings a few years before 2006 while I partied my life away with my co-workers, friends and ex-husband. It was the "nature of the beast" in NASCAR to party. Money and alcohol flowed freely and it was consumed on a regular basis...like 4-5 days a week regular basis (in my case for 6 years). At the time I didn't know I was coping with medical issues that included surgeries, my ex-husbands flirtatious ways, loneliness from his every weekend travel to the races & testing and the stress from my job by indulging in alcohol but looking back, I was. 

I can't really tell you a whole lot about 2006-2008 to be honest because all of those memories went down a bottle. I remember the death of Mammaw devastating me only to have my Granny pass away 6 months later. It was a very bad year (2006) and it carried into 2007. I was in a relationship with my now husband but couldn't deal with certain issues we had so I ended the relationship only to move on to someone else. That person was more or less to fill the void of being alone. He wasn't my typical "boyfriend" material, we had nothing in common and basically were a match made in hell. To make matters worse we moved in together (what was I thinking) and it just went completely south. That relationship ended only for me to hang out with an ex-boyfriend from high school who had a crazy ex-girlfriend who completely went psycho on me so that pretty much was the end of that brief meeting...I won't even call it a relationship because it wasn't. After all of that crazy Jerry Springer mess I kind of got my life in order and rekindled my relationship with Mike. I still drank often but mostly on the weekends when we would hang out with friends and I was starting to feel happy again.

During all of the above I started to experience some anxiety about issues regarding my health. I would worry about my liver because of my drinking, I would worry about cancer from smoking while drinking...it was a very vicious cycle and I was a wreck during it. I would spend HOURS on google researching medical issues and that is not a good idea when your already have anxiety. Google is evil at times! However, Mike and my Mom would assure me I was healthy and to stop the Google mess and as hard as it was I did. 

Things were finally starting to fall into place and it was refreshing. Mike proposed and we were planning a wedding and life was good. It instantly became great when I found out what we thought would never happen did happen....I was pregnant. We scratched the official wedding plans and opted for a small wedding at the beach with just Vic and my parents. It was beautiful and we were all very happy and ready to begin our new journey together as husband and wife as well as parents to a baby boy growing in my tummy. 

Everyone was on top of the world while I was pregnant. It was the most amazing feeling ever. I felt great, looked great and all was great in my universe. Being pregnant was wonderful and if I could bottle that feeling up and inject myself with it daily I would because it can't be explained until you experience it. When I became pregnant it turned my life around dramatically. I started to take better care of myself after his birth; I quit drinking on a regular basis and was in a good place.

Life was going smoothly until Mike retired from the Military and we had to move to Camp Lejeune. It was a sad time for me because I was moving away from my hometown and taking my parents only grandson who was still an infant away from them. My Mom was crushed but still put on a happy face to make the situation easier for me but I knew deep down she was very sad. Moving day came and it honestly wasn't that bad of a situation. We were minutes from the beach so it was great and my parents being beach lovers visited as often as they could and vice versa. Yet, I still had what my Internist thought was some depression so I was placed on medicine to help with "daily life". 

I started experiencing some female issues and pain which prompted several ER visits. After numerous appointments & tests with different doctors I was prescribed Tramadol for unexplained pain which worked wonders. Everything medically and emotionally finally was falling into place and I was feeling "normal" again. Then....BAM....we were told that we had 6 weeks to move to Albany, Georgia. That wasn't something I was really expecting so we have 6 weeks to get our house packed, ready to rent out again, find a house in Albany without visiting and get Victoria in a good school system (schools are a big thing in this small town). Talk about anxiety; mine went through the roof.

We made it happen in 6 weeks and moved to Albany, Georgia. Within one hour of pulling into the driveway of our new house I had a nervous breakdown/panic attack and wound up in the ER. They figured it was a panic attack and gave me activan, waited for my heart rate to go down and sent me home. There was a good reason I was a full blown mess. We had moved ourselves so with Mike driving the largest U-Haul available with a car towed behind it and me driving the Suburban with both kids, a dog, 2 birds, a drugged cat and a mini U-Haul trailer behind me for 12 hours I was D.O.N.E! I just had enough and I physically & emotionally couldn't take any more.

Since moving to Georgia I have spiraled into a deep depression and my anxiety flares up on a regular basis. We found out this week that my medicines that the Internists from NC & GA had me on wasn't a very good combo which probably has help aid in my roller coaster of emotions. My depression isn't the type where I would harm myself (or others) but it's one that makes me uncomfortable in my own skin. I have days where I don't want to even get out of my bed; I want to pull the covers over my head and hide. I don't want to participate in activities. I want to seclude myself from others. I feel like I am out of control (thanks OCD) and that's a panic attack waiting to happen. 

The worst part of this is that I DO NOT WANT to feel like this and I know I am beyond blessed. I can't control it. It's not like I can magically snap my fingers or click my heels and be "normal". Believe me, if I could I would! This is something that I live with and I will have to manage with the help of a Doctor, therapy and the support of my family & friends. We have visited a church and I am planning on attending as much as we can because I did feel better afterwards. Without the support and understanding from my husband and parents I would be lost. They have been my life support. Without them I do not know how I would manage this; I don't think I could. 

So, there you have it....my war. I am going to continue to fight to get out of this hole for the sake of me and my family. We all deserve happiness and a happy home. Life goes by entirely too quickly and depression is wasting my days away. I want to enjoy life and I want my family to enjoy me.....and that is how it's going to be sooner than later. 

June 21, 2011


I heard this song on "So You Think You Can Dance" and it touched me. Normally clowns seem to scare me but these were eerily serene. 

I am lost, in our rainbow, now our rainbow has gone,

Overcast, by your shadow, as our worlds move on,

But in this shirt, I can be you, to be near you for a while,

There's a crane, knocking down all those things, that we were,

I awake, in the night, to hear the engines purr,

There's a pain, it does ripple through my frame, makes me lame,

There's a thorn, in my side, it's the shame, it's the pride...

Of you and me, ever changing, moving on now, moving fast,

And his touch, must be wanted, must become, through your ask,

But I need Jake to tell you, that I love you, it never rests,

And I've bled every day now, for a year, for a year,

I did send you a note on the wind for to read....

... Our names there together must have fallen like a seed...

... To the depths of the soil buried deep in the ground,

On the wind, I could hear you, call my name, held the sounds,

I am lost,

I am lost, in our rainbow, now our rainbow has gone,

I am lost, in our rainbow, now our rainbow has gone,

I am lost.

Fun in the Sun

We spent Father's Day weekend in the sunny state of Florida. The warm weather greeted us with beautiful sandy white beaches that Brody called "snow" and a sparkling aqua blue ocean. Santa Rosa Beach is one of the most magnificent beaches that I have been to and I am not a refined traveller but I have seen the beaches of Punta Cana, Aruba, Mexico, Puerto Rico, Bahama's and I must admit that this beach gave them all a run for their money when it came to beauty! The beaches were not very crowded like I would have imagined them to be (I only have summers @ Myrtle Beach to compare) and it wasn't over commercialized in my opinion. 

We spent the first day at the Condo acclimating ourselves to the area and ate at the locally famous "The Back Porch" which is positioned right on the sandy white beach (heaven!). The food was good and the atmosphere was  great. When we first arrived I was slightly worried because the wait looked days long but they got us seated within 30 minutes of writing our name on the long list so I was happy. I also think the glass of Chardonnay and the sound of the ocean helped pass the time by rather quickly!

The next morning we were ready to hit the beach but what do most families do while they vacation at the beach?!?! Eat breakfast where the "locals" eat...so we did as locals do and ate at "The Donut Hole" and I must admit it was AMAZING!!! I see why the line was seriously out the door and around the corner. It was worth the wait and if you go to Destin, Florida you *have* to check this place out. I didn't even get to wrap my lips around one of their donuts but if the line was any indication on how tasty they were well then they were pretty darn tasty. I just know I enjoyed their breakfast and lunch menu! 

We were ready to hit the beach with full tummies and smiles on our pale white faces. We looked like your typical "out-of-towners" with tractor trailer full of things in tow. We had the large beach umbrella, cooler filled with adult and kid beverages, an overloaded snack bag, 3 beach chairs, a extra large beach bag full of towels with every sunscreen SPF known to man and the bottomless bag of beach toys. Yeah, we were "those" people. 

I lathered Brody up with the highest SPF "Water Babies" had to offer and set him free to play in the sun with his toys. Mike lathered up with the bare minimum SPF and like an idiot, I lathered up with what should have been labeled "PAM". It was nothing but cooking grease and I coated every inch of my body with it and wasn't too worried because I was headed to relax under the umbrella to keep a watchful eye on my toddler. Several hours later (and loads of fun had by all) we returned to the condo and I was feeling a little crispy. I looked in the mirror and to my dismay I was a nice shade of LOBSTER!! Needless to say I was done for the day and I went home to slather Aloe Vera gel all over my fiery skin and I even desperate enough to try a old wives tale remedy of spraying myself down with white vinegar. Both helped....for a second.

That night I wasn't in the mood to do much so we just drove aimlessly around the area and finally decided we needed to eat so we chose a place right across from the condo called "Elmo's" . Brody was beyond excited because anything associated with the furry red puppet makes him smile. The food was mediocre but the atmosphere was thriving. I wish I felt better because I know I could have enjoyed myself more but it was all I could do to sit through the entire meal without wincing in pain every time I lifted my fork to my mouth. The place is perfect for kids because there are Elmo's scattered throughout the place and they have a cheesy man singing Karaoke on a keyboard. The kids in the place danced the evening away while the parents enjoyed a beverage or two. Perfect (if your not sunburned) if you ask me!! 

Sunday I was basically worthless; we went shopping at the outlet malls and got a few cute things but I wasn't feeling it. We visited the local fisherman's wharf but that was short lived because the sun on my burnt skin hurt so bad that I could barely stand my clothing touching my body. I felt horrible (physically and mentally) because I ruined the last day of the trip because I was too stupid to put the proper amount of SPF on my body. I honestly had no idea that the Florida sun was so flipping TOXIC if I had then proper measurements would have been taken. At least my baby was good and his skin was feeling fine so that is truly all that mattered.

Sunday afternoon rolled around and we loaded the car up and headed back home to reality. I must say I enjoyed the ride home because Mike and I got to have good conversation and as you all know that I love routine so getting back to a normal schedule was divine.

The downfall about a normal schedule means I have tons of laundry to get done from the mini getaway but I guess it will have to wait until the weekend...tomorrow I will make my way to Atlanta to pick up Victoria at the airport.

So, the housework and laundry waits....

June 16, 2011

Mending Me

"Positive minds produce positive lives. Negative minds produce negative lives. Positive thoughts are full of faith and hope. Negative thoughts are always full of fear and doubt." 
 - Joyce Meyer, Battlefield of the Mind

" For as he thinks in his heart, so is he."
Proverbs 23:7

I have thrown myself into Joyce Meyer's book  "Battlefield of the Mind" after several friends and family members suggested it would be a great book for me to read since I have had a tough couple of months struggling with depression. Wow, what a book! It has really open my eyes about the power YOU have over your own thoughts and feelings and how evil does enter your life through avenues you would never consider...like my mind which has consistently been very negative for several long months. This book has been a very pleasant read; it's not too preachy or overbearing and it allow you to understand what she is talking about even when making references to the bible. And we all must admit that there are times you read the bible and are like "What in the hell did that just say?!?".... Just keeping it real people. I am changing some of me but there are some parts that are hanging around because that's just me ;) Take it or leave it. 

I am hoping to have the book finished by next week and I can already tell the difference it has made within me and the way I am starting to look and treat life in general. Even my friends have noticed the change in my attitude so that in itself is the most rewarding for me. 

In less than 24 hours we will be BEACH BOUND!!!! I am so excited about it! I hope I can sleep tonight because I am tired but usually I end up tossing and turning all night before a weekend getaway.  This is the first time we have been somewhere together in over a year so it's loooooonnnnng overdue. It will just be Mike, myself and Brody but we'll still make the best of the situation. Victoria is in Texas visiting her Mom for part of the summer so she's missing out on our little getaway. However, our friends own a condo in Santa Rosa so we can go back again as long as it's available. 

So, the way I look at it...Life is pretty darn good right now. God always knows what you need but sometimes there is a reason why he waits to give it to you. I gotta remember it's all about his timing and not mine! 

I hope everyone has a fabulous weekend! I know we are going to try real hard making and capturing memories <3

June 12, 2011

Find You

"Be you. Find you. Be happy with that." 

Sounds easier said that done but I am taking that statement and running with it. Today I took the first step and attended church for the first time in years (and I mean YEARS). And you know what....IT FELT AWESOME. I liked being there and I felt comfortable with the whole thing. The contemporary music was right up Mike's alley because I noticed a couple of times he was moving to the music and tapping his foot along to the beat. The best part was walking into the room where the service was held and we were greeted by warm, friendly faces. Not the ones that are checking out your shoes to see if they have red bottoms, your purse is either a COACH or Louis, your watch is a Rolex and your ring is at least 2 carats. You know the type I am referring to....all churches have them and it's a given. It's just something that you deal with and I am happy that I didn't run into that today during my first uplifting visit.

I am not going into great depth over the whole day but it was refreshing. It's worth trying (visiting) again because when you leave the place feeling lighter and a calmness about yourself and current circumstances you can't ask for a better feeling. I do think Mike was feeling the same (if not more) spiritual high that I was and we both found it very refreshing.

I need this. Mike needs this. Our family & Marriage needs this.

We will pursue this awesome opportunity with open minds and hearts. This may be the light at the end of the long tunnel that we have been looking for, for a very long time! I am excited about this new journey and I am praying that it's exactly what we need so our souls can mend and we can grow. 

June 11, 2011


After YEARS of discussing the possibility of finding a church for our family we decided to attend one tomorrow. This decision actually came sooner than later thanks to our little Brody who has been attending Vacation Bible School (VBS) and has had church on his brain the past week. 

When I picked Brody up from VBS on Wednesday he asked me in the sweetest voice "Mommy, can we go to churk on Sunday". My heart starting fluttering and I honestly thought I was about to shed tears! My heart wanted to burst for joy because how sweet is it that your child asks you about something so BIG?!? 

I will be the first to admit that I am not a very religious person. I never have been. I feel like attending church every single Sunday doesn't make you a better Christian than the person who prays and studies their bible in the 4 walls of their home. I have seen my share of hypocrites and have seen my share of angels who walk the earth. I guess that is why attending church was never a big deal for me because I am a believer and I choose to say my prayers in my own home and deal with religion on my own terms. 

However, times are changing in the Beemer House (and for the better). We want to raise our children in a church where they are given the tools they need to go out in the world as believers and well rounded human beings.  All we can do is provide them with the right path and hope that they stay on it and church is along that path.

Luckily, Victoria has been very vocal about wanting to attend church. She has been involved with Fellowship of Christian Athletes (FCA) at school for the past two years and loves it. They have weekly devotionals before school and she really enjoys attending those. Part of the reason she likes being involved is being around her friends but she really does love learning about the bible. I am so proud of her for that and I even admire it. Never in a million years when I was her age would I have thought FCA was a cool thing to do or hear about. I dreaded church and prayed for the day I didn't have to go any longer. 

I have chosen to try First United Methodist Church this Sunday because I think that their atmosphere would be a great fit for our family. They have both traditional and contemporary services so we'll be trying the contemporary one in the morning. This is also the same church that Brody attends "SkiDo" which is his VBS for the next two months so I think that will help him adjust better. 

Today when we entered the LifeWay store to purchase our Bible (we have never had one together) I was so excited but yet this peaceful feeling came over me while walking through the store. I swear to you, I am not one of those over the top Christians who are excited and openly offering up "Amens or Hallelujah" to everything but it was a weird (in a good way) experience. 

Hopefully tomorrow will turn out as fantastic as I am praying it will be. I think our whole family needs this and I think it will help our dynamic and daily life much better. I still want to take a more laid back approach to religion so my kids want to learn more about it instead of feeling like it's being shoved down their throat. If they decide it's not the thing for them then we will look at another approach. 

angel, angel wings, angels, art, beautiful, beautyI do have a sneaking suspicion that we will like it because the church seems to be very involved in the community and with their youth groups. They take several mission trips over the school breaks and I know Victoria would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to do something like that. They have fun things for Brody to do even though he is a toddler and they even have things that Mike and I can do as a couple. I am really excited and hoping this is an answer to some of our problems. 

With the help from church and Joyce Meyer I should really start to feel better and less depressed...and quit with all of that "stinkn' thinkin" that I have had going on for the past 8 months or so. I am ready to smile again....a REAL smile....the one that makes my eyes smile. 

I will keep you posted on how tomorrows service went! 

June 2, 2011

Burned Out

I am burned out....literally and figuratively. I am not sure which one is going to get the best of me; my mind or the heat. However, something has got to give and I don't think it's going to be Mother Nature.

Today a sweltering 106 degrees was displayed on the Suburbans thermometer...eventually "cooling" down to a steamy 100 degree afternoon. I honestly have NEVER seen a thermometer get that high in my life and it scares me that we're just entering early June. I have been told my locals that once summer gets into full swing that (and I quote) "You will want to kill yourself". Wow. That is a bold statement but I am starting to see where the thought may cross your mind a time or two. I have never in my entire life felt heat like this nor did I know it was humanly possible to live in this type of inferno. Our air conditioners (we have 2 units) are running 24/7 and that is going to end up costing us a small country. It's freaking insane. When your power bill cost almost as much as rent for an apartment then it's too damn hot outside. It makes me a bit nervous about the three remaining months of summer because it's only going to get hotter and more expensive. Hopefully Mike will survive Summer 2011 by not having a heatstroke because of the obnoxiously high temps or a heart attack from opening a hefty power bill.

On top of being burned out from the heat, I am burned out physically and mentally. I would love to take a vacation away from the house, kids and life but that isn't going to happen anytime in the near future. I have so much on my mind and that is draining in itself. I have got to learn to let go of things I can't control but that with OCD it's very hard.

My Pappaw is terminally ill with lung and bone cancer. He has been holding his own until recently and things are starting to head south. He is very hard headed and stubborn (guess it's a Carriker trait) so he is hard to take care of. He's pretty irrational about most things and he can't take care of himself but won't let anyone take care of him. He is the worlds WORST patient. My parents are waiting on his every need and it's wearing them down. Hospice became involved a couple of weeks ago and that will help my parents some. The good thing and bad thing about Hospice is knowing that things are coming to an end. The patient is terminal and there days on earth are numbered...I know all of our days are numbered but it's like a definite reminder that this person is dying. My grandfather has already fallen so now he has "Life Alert", he's taking more pain medicine and his appetite is slim to none. His once husky structure is now skin hanging on bones. It's very sad to think about and watch.

The "watching" part is the hardest and I guess it's a blessing I am 8 hours away so I can't see it every day. I don't so well with death and dying; it's ultimately my biggest fear. I am afraid of death and everything that deals with it. When my Mammaw passed away it tore my world (and mental state) upside down. It didn't help matters that I was going through a divorce and decided to leave a career that I loved and was really good at. The double blow would be that 6 months after my Mammaw passed away my other grandmother passed away. I spiraled out of control and numbed all of my thoughts and feelings with alcohol. I drank away my pain and holed myself up in a tiny apartment and drank 2 years of my life away. I was a mess It was a horrible time for me and one I don't care to revisit it every again. I finally got myself somewhat together and back on the right path but it took me quiet a while to get there....and  honestly I am still not "there" yet.

I struggle every day with my emotions, thoughts and feelings. I take medicine to help with my anxiety, OCD and depression. I seek help from a therapist and I throw myself into my blog and crafts to help distract my mind and vent my thoughts and fears. Thankfully I have a very understanding support system; my family. I do not know what I would do without my family because through this entire process they have been understanding of my craziness. I know some people aren't that lucky so I'm really blessed in that department.

I know this may sound horrible but I hope that my grandfathers pain ends quickly because his quality of life is quickly diminishing. He's angry and grumpy with life (rightfully so) and he's just withering away to nothing. He's in pain and things are not going to get better -- they are only going to get worse and more painful. I am thankful Hospice has been brought in because they do make the transition from life to death as pleasant as they can. They were a saving grace for my Mammaw. She and our family was so appreciative of all of their hard work. She died peacefully and somewhat on her terms; that is really anyone can ask for.

Hopefully when my Pappaw does leave this earth I will not fall apart like I have done before. I *think* I have a better grasp on things and my family is here to support me. I know my Pappaw would never want to see me in pain or the cause for my pain. I need to be strong for him because I can't forget that I am "Pappaw's Darling".