Coming out of the Shell

After several weeks of depression and anxiety I can say I am finally coming out of my shell. Dealing with depression and anxiety really sucks. It takes days away from my life that I can't get back. Luckily, my meds seem to be working and paired with lots of prayer, I am doing much better.

The Beemer house is about to get busy again...

Victoria made the JV soccer team so her season is already under way. She has about 2 games a week and practices are on their off days. She also has practices for Band so the Suburban will be very busy! I am hoping we can find a carpool because it's a lot of driving back and forth; not to mention the gas money it takes!

I signed Brody up for Itty Bitty sports through the local YMCA and that starts in March. He will have a 2 week rotation of baseball, soccer, football and basketball. I can't wait to see how he behaves during all of them! It's crazy to even think he is old enough to play a sport....didn't I just give birth to him???

I am also getting a bit anxious about enrolling Brody in a lottery funded Pre-K program in March. Supposedly it's madness and hours spent overnight to get your child in the school. So I guess I will be spending the night in the school parking lot in March. The things you do for your kids!

The Beemer girls had a nice Valentine's day thanks to Mr. Beemer...we had flowers, jewelry and a nice meal yesterday. Victoria got a present from her boyfriend so I think she was over the moon about that. The way to her heart was Hot Tamales and some lotion from B&B works.

Rain, Rain, Go Away

There is nothing I hate more than a rainy, dreary, cold day! I swear, they bring the "Blah's" and I can't shake them until the sun is back out and shining.

For some reason days like today memories come flooding back...good ones and bad ones. I usually start thinking about my grandparents which now are both deceased. I start thinking about all of the good times that I experienced in my childhood and in return it makes me sad. It makes me miss them even more knowing I can't pick up the phone to hear "Hello Sugarfoot". What I would do to hear that one last time. I guess I did hear it one last time but I didn't know that it would really be the *last* time. I'm not sure how long one grieves for their loved ones. I know I have a couple of days a week where I break down in tears when something hits a nerve of the past. It could be a smell, an elderly person or just something from the past that just reminds me of my grandfather. I also think the recent death of my Pappaw brought up memories of my Mammaw so I got a double whammy of sadness.

Maybe I will get to a point in my life where days like today will not bring up memories that make me sad. I hope so because it makes the day very long and painful.

Happy Birthday to.....ME!

Today marks my Thirty-Three years on Earth. Honestly, I am not so sure what to make of it. I am blessed to have so much in such a short amount of time but at the same time its 33 YEARS!!!! I don't feel like I am old enough to be 33 and it seems like time kind of stopped when I was 21....or at least counting birthdays did.

So here I sit wondering what the next 33 years will hold....I would be 66 years old and hopefully, retired. I am sure I will have a couple of grandkids running around the place. I just don't know what to think of all of that yet so I will just stay in the "now" and enjoy my 33 years of life.

Pappaw's Darlin'

Today I will be heading back to Concord for two weeks to help take care of my ailing Pappaw. Last year he was diagnosed with lung and bone cancer and he is slowly getting more feeble.

My Dad is the only child so a lot has been put on my parents regarding Pappaw's care; he's not a really good "patient". Is is old, stubborn and set in his ways which most are not appropriate but that 's my Pappaw.

These two weeks will probably be the last "good" weeks that I will spend with him since he is going downhill on a weekly basis. Living 8 hours away is hard on  the heart because I know I can't be there as much as I would like to be so this trip is something I am looking forward to.

I am NOT looking forward to leaving Mike and Vicki for 10 days but they know this is something that I have to do. I will need closure in his passing and this is part of it. I don't want to sit here while he still has some good days and my only excuse is that I am 8 hours away. I don't know how well that would sit with me once he is gone.

I do pray that God keeps him as comfortable as he can and this isn't a long process where my Pappaw has to suffer more than he already is. He is in pain and it seems to get worse every week. Pain is entering areas like his arm/shoulder and foot where I am sure the cancer has now taken over once healthy bones. It's a sad situation but I am blessed to be able to go back home....this is what I need and maybe he does too.

Oh, how I've missed me!

It's been 10 days since my last blog post and I have surely missed venting on here! Things got a little out of whack for the past 10 days but we're back on track and moving back in the fast last. As you know, I take medicine for anxiety and depression and at my last appointment (2 weeks ago) they changed some things around that really didn't help matters and made them worse so I kind of just huddled back into my shell until yesterday.

Two good things happened back to back this week....Mom flew in on Thursday and I had a Doctors appointment on Friday to fix my medicines. WOO HOO!!!!! With that combo how can I not feel like new?!?!? I feel so much better that my meds were the reason I was in a funk and my heart feels happy my Momma is here.

Mom is staying until Tuesday and then I will be going back to Concord with her for 2 weeks to help take care of my Pappaw. My parents have been his sole caregiver for almost a year and they need a break and I have the time so it's the only option. I don't mind, it will give me some time with him while he is still in somewhat a good frame of mind and may give me some closure on the situation as it's probable that I won't be home when he does pass away. It will give him and Brody some time too...they both love each other to pieces.

While Mom has been here Brody has kept her pretty busy. He doesn't leave her side which is cute but draining! He loves his Nannee and she is overly in love with him. It's sweet to watch. We went to the Zoo today so we all could ride the train together. He loved it.

Tomorrow our family is taking a BIG step and becoming official members of our church. Brody, Victoria and myself will be Baptized tomorrow and then it will be official!!!! We will finally be members of FUMC-Albany. I am really excited about it and I think Victoria is too! This is something we all have been wanting over the past several months and it's finally here. Mom is excited to be a witness to all of it so I am happy she is here to watch it....just missing Dad but someone had to stay in Concord with Pappaw.

Well, I will wrap up for now but I am determined not to wait 10 days before my next blog post!

Whirlwind

I can't believe how busy my life has gotten in the past few weeks. Seems like it's a whirlwind spinning out of control at times. I don't know if I am coming or going. Hence why I am doing bullet points again for the blog. I can't seem to put down entire thoughts that flow well in a paragraph form so here is what's happening in the Beemer house:

* Victoria came home yesterday with very good progress reports.....A's and B's so we can't complain too much. She is so busy that we usually only see her before she heads upstairs to bed or if we are graced with her presence at the dinner table.

* Mike is loving being a Dad that can attend football games so we will be going to every.single.home.game until the season is over. Yay, me.

* Brody is on week 2 of Preschool and has already learned parts of the "Pledge of Allegiance" and days of the week. I am super proud of him.

* Momma is coming next Thursday to spend 5 long days with us and I can't wait to see her! I have missed both my parents terribly lately. I wish my Dad was coming too but someone has to stay with my ailing Pappaw.

* Pappaw is still doing okay considering the type of cancer he has. I just pray that he doesn't have to suffer too long with this. I have heard bone cancer is very painful.

* My new anxiety medicine makes me eat like a cow and I have went from 76 pounds to 100 pounds in 2 months. I just put over 30 pairs of jeans up in my closet and had to buy 10 new pair so I would have a fall wardrobe. I am now a size 3 and can't even get a size 0/1 up over my thighs. Go me!

* Church is going awesomely well. We are all enjoying the service and social activities. Vic stays busy in youth and we are so proud of her for that. Hopefully some of his good grace will rub off some of her teen attitude ;)


* I couldn't hold out any longer.....ALL of my Fall decorations are out minus the pumpkins that will be added in the very near future!!!! (No matter what my husband says)

"Healing Begins"

Dear Mammaw,

I am supposed to write this letter to you in order to move past your death and let the healing process begin. Since your passing I have felt nothing but guilt and shame on my part. I feel I let you down when you needed me the most. I was so wrapped up in my own feelings of sorrow that I ignored everyone else's feelings, including yours. I don't deal well with death and instead of facing the fact someone close to me is dying I push myself as far away as I can and ignore it. I can't cope with death and dying and I am scared of it.

I handled your sickness poorly and tried to drink all of my problems away. I numbed my thoughts and feelings with alcohol while you were sick. I would rather not feel the pain of losing someone very close to me. Instead of visiting you like I should have I would seclude myself in my apartment and drink my nights away so I wouldn't have to feel anything. I regret my actions because I lost valuable time with you. There are so many things that I needed answered before your passing that I never got to ask and now I those questions will be left unanswered. I had things I needed to tell you that were never said.

I carry an extreme amount of guilt for my actions. It's a type of guilt that is debilitating and threatens my quality of life. I would never harm myself but my obsessing over what I didn't and shouldn't have done while you were alive takes away from my present and away from my family. I am angry with myself that I didn't handle your sickness better.

I should have spent more time with you while you had good days after being diagnosed with Leukemia. I lost so much time with you because I was selfish. I wasn't there for you like I should have been. I wish I had one more day with you so I could tell you everything I didn't say and ask everything I needed answered. I wanted to know your thoughts on death and dying. Were you scared? Were you prepared to go to heaven? So many questions that will be left unanswered. Those questions will always haunt me and lay heavy on my heart and mind.

I have been a broken spirit now that you have passed. A spirit that only you could have mended before your death but I was too selfish to see it or need it. I needed your wisdom. I don't think you or I knew how much you meant to me. I have so much admiration and respect for you; you were the most selfless human being I knew or know now. You put everyone elses needs before your own. You were the thread that held our family together.

You had your quirky OCD ways that only now we truly understand. I really understand them because I am exactly like you in many ways. My family finds ways to ruffle my OCD feathers just like I did to you growing up. I am sorry for all of that because now I truly understand how nerve wracking that can be at times. I suffer from anxiety and it's hard to deal with some days. I want to run in a hole and hide from the world....probably like you did but you were so much better at hiding it than I am. I am not that strong yet.

I can only hope to make you proud by bettering myself as a person. I have stopped the things you would have frowned upon. I'm a good wife who loves her husband and takes care of him. I am a loving mother to our two children and I try to do the special traditions and little things for them  that you did for Dad and me. I also try to keep all of your holiday traditions. I continue to cook your meals for holidays and Dad is getting better at arriving on time; finally!!! We have had some really good dinners since you have passed; I think you would have been proud.

My best achievement so far has been Brody; he has changed me completely. He calls you "Grandma" when we visit your grave. Nobody told him to either; but I guess you already know that. Victoria and Brody have made me a more compassionate human being. As you would say, Brody, is "a mess" and into everything. He has a lot of the Carroll traits. He loves to rock in a rocking chair and take walks with his everyone. He has your and Dad's nose and your beautiful blue eyes.

I really wish you were here to experience all the joy he brings the family but I am sure your watching happily from above. There is so much more I could tell you and still need to express but that would take years. I just want you to know that I am sorry, I love you and I hope I have made you proud.

Love,
Jamie

It's the "Simple Things"!

Yesterday I was channel surfing on the television and I ran across some show and the topic was "simple things". We often get so busy with life and outside chaos that we forget the simple things so the result of this was to write down a list of the simple things in your life that make you happy. "Wow" was the first thought that came to my mind. I had to really think about that and *that* made me sad. I shouldn't have to "think" about it, I should know them right off the top of my head! My life is so busy that I have forgot about the simple things that make me happy. With that being said I have decided to write my "simple things" list so I have it as a reminder; it also may show that I am a bit OCD and neurotic:

* A cup of coffee in a pretty teacup before the house (Brody) wakes up.
* A bed that is made.
* All of my hangers facing the same direction in my closet.
* My sink being dirty dish free.
* The smell of Fall in the air and in my house (thanks to candles & Scentsy).
* A clean house that I didn't have to clean.
* A quiet house in the mornings.
* Sleeping in frilly vintage slips that belonged to my Mammaw.
* The smell of lavender on my sheets and clothes.
* Getting my hair cut and colored.
* Decorating inside and outdoors for every single holiday.
* A kiss in the morning from my husband.
* The kids telling me good night before bedtime.
* My fur baby, Alex, at my side all day and night
* Getting dressed up and applying make up for a date night with my husband.
* Enjoying my patio with a glass of good wine.
* Good music!!!
* An empty dirty clothes basket.
* Cooking dinner for my family and friends.
* Facebook.
* Making letters and cards to mail to the special people in my life.
* Any type of arts and crafts.
* Kisses, Hugs and cuddles from my little man.
* Victoria asking me to paint her nails or do her hair.
* Little notes from my loved ones.
* Making Brody's lunch for school.
* A hug from my Momma & Daddy.
* Sleeping on my favorite pillowcase when I visit my parents.
* Hearing my Pappaw call me "Darlin'...."
* Hearing Mike call me "Honey".
* Wearing heels with my favorite pair of blue jeans.
* Using my Mammaw's cookbooks to make dinner.


That's just a few but that is the start of my list....what's on yours?

The Early Bird Gets the Worm?

I am not sure what has gotten into me lately but I have been getting up early (for me) and I am starting to enjoy the stillness of the quiet house.

A month ago I would have shot down any opportunity to rise early so I could catch a few more Zzzz's but now I am ready to start my morning so I can get a few one hour to my myself before the house awakens.

Mike leaves early for work and Victoria has had band camp for the past week so she is out the door early too....that just leaves me and the little guy here for most of the day and once B is up then it's on like Donkey Kong. I don't stop running around the circles he runs around me.

Luckily, Brody is normally a late sleeper (just like his Momma...used to be) so that means I can enjoy a good cup of coffee and catch up on my DVR, Facebook & Emails or just get little things done around the house that would be virtually impossible while he was awake.

I can honestly say that I am enjoying these "free" hours and look forward to going to bed somewhat early so I can rise early and not be too tired or grumpy. Maybe this is just another part of aging...who knows. I find myself doing a lot of things lately that I once defined an "old" person doing so that is why I chose to use the old wives tale as my header....

"The Early Bird Gets the Worm"

..... and in my case it seems to be a proven fact that you get more done and feel better about things the earlier you rise. Who knew that my grandparents really knew what they were talking about!

Dimples

This morning I turned the television on and was greeted by Joel Osteen speaking about a golf ball and it's dimples. He was explaining that he read an article about the creation on the golf ball and why it was made with dimples. Most people would think a perfectly round ball would travel further than one with dimples but years of scientific research went into making the golf ball and it's proven that it travels twice as far with the dimples than if it were smooth.

He went on to discuss that we as human beings should have the same outlook on ourselves when it comes to God. He made us with "dimples" for a reason....we may question our dimples and get down on ourselves because we do have flaws but we were made that way. We should view our dimples (imperfections) as something good and not bad because those dimples will make us travel further in life because we are always striving to smooth the ball (making ourselves better).

I struggle deeply with my imperfections and my past imperfections; I feel guilty for my past mistakes and those weigh heavily on my heart. I won't go into detail of those because for one it would take forever and two I have an upcoming blog I have in mind to discuss my biggest dimple.

So, with that being said, I need to keep in mind that I was made this way....imperfections and all. I was his masterpiece, he made me with dimples and I am supposed to learn and grow from them. My dimples were not an accident and I need to learn to accept that and think of it in a positive manner and not a manner of beating myself up over them.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Wonderful are your works: my soul knows it very well."  -  Psalm chapter 139 verse 14

A Beautiful Life in the Making

My Momma sent me this birthday card two years ago and I have kept it posted on my mirror in the closet and read it every couple of days. It seems to really help me get back to "me" and it gives me a sense of comfort.

Enjoy!!

How to Make A BEAUTIFUL LIFE…Reflections for a Daughter on her Birthday

Love yourself.

MAKE PEACE with who you are

And where you are at this moment in time.

Listen to your heart.

If you can’t hear what it’s saying in this noisy world,

MAKE TIME for yourself.

Enjoy your own company.

Let your mind wander among the stars.

Try.

Take chances.

MAKE MISTAKES.

Life can be messy and confusing at times,

But it’s also full of surprises.

The next rock in your path

Might be a stepping-stone.

Be happy.

When you don’t have what you want, want what you have.

MAKE DO.

That’s a well-kept secret of contentment.

There aren’t any shortcuts to tomorrow.

You have to MAKE YOUR OWN WAY.

To know where you’re going is only a part of it.

You need to know where you’ve been too.

And if you ever get lost, don’t worry.

The people who love you will find you.

Count on it.

Life isn’t days and years.

It’s what you do with time and with all the goodness and grace

That’s inside you.

MAKE A BEAUTIFUL LIFE…

The kind of life you deserve.

Google or Bust

Oh, Google, how I love you so....I think I use Google more than any other application that is available online....even more than my beloved Facebook.

Google is my "Go To" for EVERYTHING; I might I know that I am addicted to it. I mean honestly what can't the site answer?!?!

I thought it could answer everything until I ran across this little blurb above. It hit me right in the gut because it's so true and we rarely stop to think about some things only God can answer; there isn't an "earthly" explanation for it. We can try to use Google for the answer but sometimes there just isn't one or it's not the answer we truly need. It's an answer only "He" can provide.

So, with that weighing heavily on my mind I may stop trying to always find the answer or reason for all of my worries, woes or concerns. I should just leave it up to him anyway; he will shed light on the situation when the time is right. Sometimes I think we don't even need to know the answer immediately; it's his way of letting it "stew" so we can think about things.

"Always believe in God. Because there are some questions that even Google can't answer"

Chugga Chugga Chehaw!

Today I spent my morning hanging out with my favorite 3 year old at our local zoo (yes, Albany has a zoo). It was a spur of the moment decision because after watching the same "Dora" episode for the 6th time I knew we had to get out of the house.

Parks at Chehaw is really a great little zoo to take the family because it's small but big enough to keep your little (or big) ones occupied for several hours. We spent about an hour and a half checking out the snakes, frogs, lizards, pigs, miniture horses, alligators, wolves, flamingos and the big Rhino. We didn't even walk through the entire Zoo because Brody was anxious to ride the train and I could tell his little tank was about empty.

I bought our ticket for the train and he was beside himself with joy. We had to wait a few 10 minutes before we could board the cute little train and he grew more excited as we were able to hear the whistle and bell in the distance. Finally after swatting gnats for longer than I cared to we hopped aboard and went for a ride throughout the park. It was a nice breeze and Brody was smiling ear to ear. My heart pratically melted (not from the heat) when he looked at me, held my hand and said so sweetly "Look Momma, it's not scary".

TALK ABOUT WANTING TO CRY!!!!!!

In that very moment it hit me that my little boy is growing into a big boy. Even though his Birthday was this past Sunday and his party was on Saturday it really didn't hit me that he was "older". It took riding a little train and having some precious one on one time with him for it to really sink in. Good thing it was hotter than hell outside because my tears were masked by sweat rolling down my face and neck.

If I am this emotional over a simple train ride then I am not so sure how well I will hold up for those "big, monumental" birthdays.

My baby is growing up and as much as I want him to be a "big boy" there is a part of me that still needs to be telling him....."Look baby, it's not scary.".

Making Music

"God is a DJ, Life is a Dancefloor, Love is the Rhythm, You are the Music".

Wow! is all I have got to say with that quote that I ran across earlier this morning. It instantly made me smile because it rang true in my case. For the past several years the music I have been putting out was a sad set of notes. I wasn't the happy, thriving young lady that I once was. My family and I both missed the sweet melodies that once projected from my heart and soul. I was a lost soul just going through the motions of life. I would wake up every day without that "spark" I once had, do just what I had to do in order to survive, take care of my family only to go to sleep and repeat. I was in sad shape and so was my family and our relationship with one another. Our household was a very sad one and anyone that listened carefully could hear that echoing through the four walls of our house and our outwardly appearance. The worst part of the whole thing was that *I* was the one to blame for the "perfect storm" that was brewing. That storm finally came to a head several weeks ago when I could no longer go through the motions...my body was a mere 76 pounds, I was tired mentally & physically and I had hit my rock bottom.

I had a life changing experience two weeks ago that left me renewed, refreshed and ready to start life over again singing a new tune. I was able to take a break from my "real life" to focus solely on myself and my problems without the issues of my every day family life. I was able to get away from my household for 5 LONG days to take time to heal inwardly and outwardly. I am blessed to have a wonderful husband who allowed me to remove myself from my family so I could take time for myself....time to fix me so I could fix our family. If that isn't a blessing I don't know what is.

After taking time out of my busy life to concentrate solely on me and my own faults I was able to see that I have been the root of all the chaos in our family. I was unhappy and miserable with myself and the music that I was putting out echoed loudly in the ears of my family and friends.  The only music they heard was a sad melody and that in return made them upset, unstable and on edge. Once again, all the ingredients for the "perfect storm".

I have learned more about myself in the past 2 weeks than I have in my 32 years on this earth. I have learned that I need to ask for help when I need it. I have learned that you can't heal overnight, deep scars and wounds take years to heal. I have learned to start putting myself first and doing that *isn't* selfish; it's what you have to do in order to stay healthy to take care of your family. I have learned your family really does know more than you do when you are at your lowest point in life. I have learned that your actions, sharp tongue and attitude rubs off on your family and in return they start reacting in a negative manner. I have learned that getting professional help isn't a sign of weakness; it's a sign of strength. I have learned that FAMILY is the most important thing one can have. I have learned that love is unconditional if it's *true love*. I have learned that your children do love you unconditionally...Thank God. I have learned that at the end of the day no matter the riches you possess that you're no better than the homeless. I have learned to be humble and patient. I have learned that church really is good for the soul and that GOD is good....you just have to trust and believe in him. I have learned the power of prayer and that things happen on *his* time....not yours.

Above all, I have learned that the music I project is what my family dances to and for that very reason I am done with sad & angry lyrics....I am ready to dance to something joyful and uplifting. So you better get your dancing shoes ready because I have a lot of goodness to sing about!

xoxo

Weighing In!

Anyone that has known me for a long period of time knows that I am a petite girl who has been skinny her entire life. I have been accused more times than I care to count of having an eating disorder or having some type of sickness. I have learned to let it slide and ignore the comments made by others because those who truly know me understand where I stand on the whole "weight issue".

I have been working hard lately to pack on the pounds because I need to gain some weight after losing pounds that I really can't afford to lose. I'm underweight as it is so losing weight is not good in my case. It's an issue that I have struggled with for as long as I can remember.

Recently my Doctor switched some of my medicines around and put me on something that helps with depression/anxiety and the side effect is weight gain. In my case this is "killing two birds with one stone". I am getting better mentally while adding weight which is great for me physically!

I am proud to say that I am at 90 pounds today and just a week ago I was 76 pounds! Yes, I said it, SEVENTY SIX (76) pounds. When I get stressed or overly anxious I tend to lose my appetite....most have the opposite problem. I had let so many stresses from the outside world that I let my body slip away to a measly bag of bones. Seriously.

So, I am jumping up and down at the fact I have gained weight! Go me!!

Hello There!

Hello World....I took a short break from life and I am back and ready to blog. I didn't have access to my phone, Internet, laptop or Facebook for several days and needless to say it was, well....weird and refreshing. Can that actually be a feeling?!?!? 


Ready to blog and it will be a doozy when it hits blogger. It will take me some time to compile and get it together but when I do it will be funny and humbling. 


Until then smaller blogs will have to do....Hope everyone had a great 4th! 

Interview with God

I ran across this tonight and as I read it I felt the "realness" of the response that God gave to Man. We are all guilty of this and have helped create the monster....what do we need to do in order to correct it? It was just one of those "Makes you go hmmmm." moments this evening...enjoy.

"You've Got Mail"

There was a time where I longed to hear the words "You've Got Mail" from my Gateway Desktop computer. I believe that we all used AOL as our first email accounts when the Internet hit big in the mid to late 90's....you know back when we still used dial up connection and had disks not discs. 


I think technology is a wonderful thing and it's proven to be awesome in my case once we moved away from home. Without Facebook or Email our family would be lost. That is our main form of communication on a daily basis...usually multiple times a day. If my parents don't hear from me once a day through some form of online source they will worry and you can be sure one of them calls to check in with me that evening. 


With that being said I must admit I think we have become too dependent on technology when it comes to communication. What happened to sending a greeting or letter through the good 'ole USPS? Our mailboxes (the ones at the road not on your PC) are overloaded with bills and junk mail but we rarely if ever get a nice greeting from a friend or loved one. Maybe I am old fashioned but every time I see a HANDWRITTEN card from a familiar name in my mailbox I instantly get a smile on my face. 


I am a card sending fool....maybe on the verge of crazy. I enjoy making & mailing cards/notes to my family and friends. There is something about a card that says you took the time to buy or make that person a greeting, hand write a quick hello, put a stamp on it and actually put it in the mail. You took time out of your day (and we all know we are ALL busy) for that person instead of just hitting the enter button on your computer. I completely agree it's faster, more convenient and just plain easy but sometimes I wonder what that says about us as people.


I guess I had this on my mind today because in Bible study we were talking about all of the "things" we have in our life that keep us so busy like technology that we forget what it was like when things were simple. Things that took time and showed effort.....a real effort. Sometimes I don't think we do take the time to do the simple things that mean the most. I know some people aren't "card people" and I totally respect that and I this blog isn't a slam to those who fall in that category. It was just a thought that was in my head and happened to be discussed today at church.


I am and always will be that card person. I like receiving greetings in the mail as do my kids. They can't wait to get to the mailbox to see what's in there from Nannee. Sometimes I just mail things to them so they have something to smile about. The crazy thing is that they really do appreciate it and it's something that makes not only them smile; it makes their heart smile too. 


Which brings me to this question....it's kind of like presents....do you really like the gift bag or does it mean more when it's wrapped. Just something to think about. Anyone can throw a gift in a bag with some tissue paper....wrapping it just seems more personal. 

War (Long Post folks)

There has been a battle brewing since 2006 and it has finally has come to an ugly head this year.

 I.AM.AT.WAR.WITH.MYSELF.

Growing up I can't recall a time where I really knew about or experienced depression. I never knew about anxiety or what the three letters OCD stood for or meant. I do recall hearing those words often in our house because my mother was and still is a psychiatric nurse. I also remember countless health teachers throughout my middle & high school years talking about the words but who really pays attention in health class? I was a thriving, vibrant and happy student who grew into your typical carefree young adult. 

But something changed...

It seems since 2006 I have had many internal and external struggles that sent me down a very dark path. I was going through a divorce,had a drastic career change, living on my own for the first time and my Mammaw was dying from Leukemia. The only way I knew how to cope was to numb my feelings with a bottle of wine every night. So, there I sat alone in my musty apartment drinking my evenings away only to wake up and go to work and come home to do it all over again. 

Actually, I had learned to numb my feelings a few years before 2006 while I partied my life away with my co-workers, friends and ex-husband. It was the "nature of the beast" in NASCAR to party. Money and alcohol flowed freely and it was consumed on a regular basis...like 4-5 days a week regular basis (in my case for 6 years). At the time I didn't know I was coping with medical issues that included surgeries, my ex-husbands flirtatious ways, loneliness from his every weekend travel to the races & testing and the stress from my job by indulging in alcohol but looking back, I was. 

I can't really tell you a whole lot about 2006-2008 to be honest because all of those memories went down a bottle. I remember the death of Mammaw devastating me only to have my Granny pass away 6 months later. It was a very bad year (2006) and it carried into 2007. I was in a relationship with my now husband but couldn't deal with certain issues we had so I ended the relationship only to move on to someone else. That person was more or less to fill the void of being alone. He wasn't my typical "boyfriend" material, we had nothing in common and basically were a match made in hell. To make matters worse we moved in together (what was I thinking) and it just went completely south. That relationship ended only for me to hang out with an ex-boyfriend from high school who had a crazy ex-girlfriend who completely went psycho on me so that pretty much was the end of that brief meeting...I won't even call it a relationship because it wasn't. After all of that crazy Jerry Springer mess I kind of got my life in order and rekindled my relationship with Mike. I still drank often but mostly on the weekends when we would hang out with friends and I was starting to feel happy again.

During all of the above I started to experience some anxiety about issues regarding my health. I would worry about my liver because of my drinking, I would worry about cancer from smoking while drinking...it was a very vicious cycle and I was a wreck during it. I would spend HOURS on google researching medical issues and that is not a good idea when your already have anxiety. Google is evil at times! However, Mike and my Mom would assure me I was healthy and to stop the Google mess and as hard as it was I did. 

Things were finally starting to fall into place and it was refreshing. Mike proposed and we were planning a wedding and life was good. It instantly became great when I found out what we thought would never happen did happen....I was pregnant. We scratched the official wedding plans and opted for a small wedding at the beach with just Vic and my parents. It was beautiful and we were all very happy and ready to begin our new journey together as husband and wife as well as parents to a baby boy growing in my tummy. 

Everyone was on top of the world while I was pregnant. It was the most amazing feeling ever. I felt great, looked great and all was great in my universe. Being pregnant was wonderful and if I could bottle that feeling up and inject myself with it daily I would because it can't be explained until you experience it. When I became pregnant it turned my life around dramatically. I started to take better care of myself after his birth; I quit drinking on a regular basis and was in a good place.

Life was going smoothly until Mike retired from the Military and we had to move to Camp Lejeune. It was a sad time for me because I was moving away from my hometown and taking my parents only grandson who was still an infant away from them. My Mom was crushed but still put on a happy face to make the situation easier for me but I knew deep down she was very sad. Moving day came and it honestly wasn't that bad of a situation. We were minutes from the beach so it was great and my parents being beach lovers visited as often as they could and vice versa. Yet, I still had what my Internist thought was some depression so I was placed on medicine to help with "daily life". 

I started experiencing some female issues and pain which prompted several ER visits. After numerous appointments & tests with different doctors I was prescribed Tramadol for unexplained pain which worked wonders. Everything medically and emotionally finally was falling into place and I was feeling "normal" again. Then....BAM....we were told that we had 6 weeks to move to Albany, Georgia. That wasn't something I was really expecting so we have 6 weeks to get our house packed, ready to rent out again, find a house in Albany without visiting and get Victoria in a good school system (schools are a big thing in this small town). Talk about anxiety; mine went through the roof.

We made it happen in 6 weeks and moved to Albany, Georgia. Within one hour of pulling into the driveway of our new house I had a nervous breakdown/panic attack and wound up in the ER. They figured it was a panic attack and gave me activan, waited for my heart rate to go down and sent me home. There was a good reason I was a full blown mess. We had moved ourselves so with Mike driving the largest U-Haul available with a car towed behind it and me driving the Suburban with both kids, a dog, 2 birds, a drugged cat and a mini U-Haul trailer behind me for 12 hours I was D.O.N.E! I just had enough and I physically & emotionally couldn't take any more.

Since moving to Georgia I have spiraled into a deep depression and my anxiety flares up on a regular basis. We found out this week that my medicines that the Internists from NC & GA had me on wasn't a very good combo which probably has help aid in my roller coaster of emotions. My depression isn't the type where I would harm myself (or others) but it's one that makes me uncomfortable in my own skin. I have days where I don't want to even get out of my bed; I want to pull the covers over my head and hide. I don't want to participate in activities. I want to seclude myself from others. I feel like I am out of control (thanks OCD) and that's a panic attack waiting to happen. 

The worst part of this is that I DO NOT WANT to feel like this and I know I am beyond blessed. I can't control it. It's not like I can magically snap my fingers or click my heels and be "normal". Believe me, if I could I would! This is something that I live with and I will have to manage with the help of a Doctor, therapy and the support of my family & friends. We have visited a church and I am planning on attending as much as we can because I did feel better afterwards. Without the support and understanding from my husband and parents I would be lost. They have been my life support. Without them I do not know how I would manage this; I don't think I could. 

So, there you have it....my war. I am going to continue to fight to get out of this hole for the sake of me and my family. We all deserve happiness and a happy home. Life goes by entirely too quickly and depression is wasting my days away. I want to enjoy life and I want my family to enjoy me.....and that is how it's going to be sooner than later. 

Mending Me

"Positive minds produce positive lives. Negative minds produce negative lives. Positive thoughts are full of faith and hope. Negative thoughts are always full of fear and doubt." 

 - Joyce Meyer, Battlefield of the Mind

" For as he thinks in his heart, so is he."

Proverbs 23:7

I have thrown myself into Joyce Meyer's book  "Battlefield of the Mind" after several friends and family members suggested it would be a great book for me to read since I have had a tough couple of months struggling with depression. Wow, what a book! It has really open my eyes about the power YOU have over your own thoughts and feelings and how evil does enter your life through avenues you would never consider...like my mind which has consistently been very negative for several long months. This book has been a very pleasant read; it's not too preachy or overbearing and it allow you to understand what she is talking about even when making references to the bible. And we all must admit that there are times you read the bible and are like "What in the hell did that just say?!?".... Just keeping it real people. I am changing some of me but there are some parts that are hanging around because that's just me ;) Take it or leave it. 

I am hoping to have the book finished by next week and I can already tell the difference it has made within me and the way I am starting to look and treat life in general. Even my friends have noticed the change in my attitude so that in itself is the most rewarding for me. 

In less than 24 hours we will be BEACH BOUND!!!! I am so excited about it! I hope I can sleep tonight because I am tired but usually I end up tossing and turning all night before a weekend getaway.  This is the first time we have been somewhere together in over a year so it's loooooonnnnng overdue. It will just be Mike, myself and Brody but we'll still make the best of the situation. Victoria is in Texas visiting her Mom for part of the summer so she's missing out on our little getaway. However, our friends own a condo in Santa Rosa so we can go back again as long as it's available. 

So, the way I look at it...Life is pretty darn good right now. God always knows what you need but sometimes there is a reason why he waits to give it to you. I gotta remember it's all about his timing and not mine! 

I hope everyone has a fabulous weekend! I know we are going to try real hard making and capturing memories <3