June 2, 2011

Burned Out

I am burned out....literally and figuratively. I am not sure which one is going to get the best of me; my mind or the heat. However, something has got to give and I don't think it's going to be Mother Nature.

Today a sweltering 106 degrees was displayed on the Suburbans thermometer...eventually "cooling" down to a steamy 100 degree afternoon. I honestly have NEVER seen a thermometer get that high in my life and it scares me that we're just entering early June. I have been told my locals that once summer gets into full swing that (and I quote) "You will want to kill yourself". Wow. That is a bold statement but I am starting to see where the thought may cross your mind a time or two. I have never in my entire life felt heat like this nor did I know it was humanly possible to live in this type of inferno. Our air conditioners (we have 2 units) are running 24/7 and that is going to end up costing us a small country. It's freaking insane. When your power bill cost almost as much as rent for an apartment then it's too damn hot outside. It makes me a bit nervous about the three remaining months of summer because it's only going to get hotter and more expensive. Hopefully Mike will survive Summer 2011 by not having a heatstroke because of the obnoxiously high temps or a heart attack from opening a hefty power bill.

On top of being burned out from the heat, I am burned out physically and mentally. I would love to take a vacation away from the house, kids and life but that isn't going to happen anytime in the near future. I have so much on my mind and that is draining in itself. I have got to learn to let go of things I can't control but that with OCD it's very hard.

My Pappaw is terminally ill with lung and bone cancer. He has been holding his own until recently and things are starting to head south. He is very hard headed and stubborn (guess it's a Carriker trait) so he is hard to take care of. He's pretty irrational about most things and he can't take care of himself but won't let anyone take care of him. He is the worlds WORST patient. My parents are waiting on his every need and it's wearing them down. Hospice became involved a couple of weeks ago and that will help my parents some. The good thing and bad thing about Hospice is knowing that things are coming to an end. The patient is terminal and there days on earth are numbered...I know all of our days are numbered but it's like a definite reminder that this person is dying. My grandfather has already fallen so now he has "Life Alert", he's taking more pain medicine and his appetite is slim to none. His once husky structure is now skin hanging on bones. It's very sad to think about and watch.

The "watching" part is the hardest and I guess it's a blessing I am 8 hours away so I can't see it every day. I don't so well with death and dying; it's ultimately my biggest fear. I am afraid of death and everything that deals with it. When my Mammaw passed away it tore my world (and mental state) upside down. It didn't help matters that I was going through a divorce and decided to leave a career that I loved and was really good at. The double blow would be that 6 months after my Mammaw passed away my other grandmother passed away. I spiraled out of control and numbed all of my thoughts and feelings with alcohol. I drank away my pain and holed myself up in a tiny apartment and drank 2 years of my life away. I was a mess It was a horrible time for me and one I don't care to revisit it every again. I finally got myself somewhat together and back on the right path but it took me quiet a while to get there....and  honestly I am still not "there" yet.

I struggle every day with my emotions, thoughts and feelings. I take medicine to help with my anxiety, OCD and depression. I seek help from a therapist and I throw myself into my blog and crafts to help distract my mind and vent my thoughts and fears. Thankfully I have a very understanding support system; my family. I do not know what I would do without my family because through this entire process they have been understanding of my craziness. I know some people aren't that lucky so I'm really blessed in that department.

I know this may sound horrible but I hope that my grandfathers pain ends quickly because his quality of life is quickly diminishing. He's angry and grumpy with life (rightfully so) and he's just withering away to nothing. He's in pain and things are not going to get better -- they are only going to get worse and more painful. I am thankful Hospice has been brought in because they do make the transition from life to death as pleasant as they can. They were a saving grace for my Mammaw. She and our family was so appreciative of all of their hard work. She died peacefully and somewhat on her terms; that is really anyone can ask for.

Hopefully when my Pappaw does leave this earth I will not fall apart like I have done before. I *think* I have a better grasp on things and my family is here to support me. I know my Pappaw would never want to see me in pain or the cause for my pain. I need to be strong for him because I can't forget that I am "Pappaw's Darling".


  1. Oh Jamie.. :( I wish there was something I could do to help out.. :( Sending huge hugs your way.. <3

  2. Praying for you SO HARD that you can receive some peace & relief! My BFF Jackie just called and asked me a question that made me blog on how I deal with all this. I know you already know a lot about what I think, but maybe it will be encouraging or uplifting today? http://castleblake.blogspot.com/2011/06/why-am-i-happy.html Loving you!!!