Somber Sunday

I know that this weekend was supposed to be a joyous and spiritual event for all involved but I think I am damaged goods when it comes to Easter. My earliest memories of Easter revolve around my Mammaw and her love for the holiday. She and I would always go Easter dress shopping several weeks before and she would buy me almost any dress I wanted...even if she really couldn't afford it. I can't tell you how many beautiful dresses I had thanks to her hard work in the Concord High School cafeteria as a lunch lady. Like most families we would have the traditional Easter lunch - Southern Style; spiraled honey ham, green beans, egg noodles, potato salad, brown-n-serve rolls and a big glass of sweet tea. Of course you can't forget the Easter basket that came with neatly placed dyed eggs in the plastic green grass that she recycled from one year to the next. I was very blessed and at the time I never fully knew how much those yearly traditions meant to me until she became ill with Leukemia and passed away in 2006....since then Easter has never been quiet the same and honestly neither have I if the truth be known.


I tried desperately to stay in the spirit of Easter for my family and especially for my two children. I want them to grow up with the traditional lunch, dying Easter eggs and baking/decorating sugar cookies but this year I failed miserably....even their Easter baskets I assembled for them were pretty lame. I know my Mammaw would be disappointed in me and I think secretly my husband was too because I let sadness and grief get the best of me this year. My parents were unable to make it to Georgia for the holiday because my Pappaw is terminally ill with cancer and they can't really leave him now so that didn't help matters or my mood. It was like a double dose of sadness that filled my soul this past Sunday. 


We did get around to making the egg hunt with the Blake family on Saturday and that was uplifting and a breath of fresh air. Brody had fun and it was his first "real" egg hunt so it was nice to see him run around putting eggs in his bucket but something was still missing. I didn't dye eggs and we didn't do our annual sugar cookie or gingerbread house which is something Victoria really enjoys. She didn't mention it but I am sure she noticed the void of the two. I did manage to cook the traditional Sunday meal but it was missing something too; the heart and joy that I normally pour into my meals while cooking. I knew it was important for my husband, daughter and son to experience our yearly Easter feast but it was lacking for me because mentally I had checked out on the whole deal. We ate at our kitchen table instead of the large dining room table but I did  decide to use our china instead of our weekly dinner dishes because it always makes Victoria feel special. 


Oh, and Easter basket fiasco was one for the Beemer books! Like my Mammaw (didn't notice that until just now) I decided to use the baskets and grass from last year because Vic is too old to care and Brody is too young to know the difference. I had bought all of the goodies and candy earlier in the week because I like to be prepared and not out shopping for the junk last minute when it's all been picked over and your left with the stuff no one else really wanted. I made the mistake of leaving the candy upstairs in my craft room and our dog Campbell helped himself to the goods because Victoria had accidently left the bonus room door open and the two rooms are connected. Talk about done -- that was when I basically threw my hands up with the whole Easter situation. 


Believe me....I *know* I am blessed. I *know* that I need to let go of the past and move on with the present.  I *know* that my parents can't make it for every holiday. I *know* that making memories for today and the future is what counts. I *know* my Mammaw would want me to enjoy the holiday that she loved so dearly.  I just wish that my heart and mind would do that....I can only hope that next year is better. 

I have closed the book on this Easter and I am ready to move on to the next holiday. I *know* it will get easier and easier with time; at least that is what I keep telling myself.