Flirtatious Fall

I know, I know.....several months ago I was begging for pool weather but now I am SO over the heat that I could barf. A "perk" of living in Southwest Georgia are it's extended summers aka heat! There are days where I swear I open the front door to hell because it's so darn hot here. We are in a middle of a cool spell with a week of low 90's!

It doesn't help me any that every.single.store that I have entered this past week has all of their Fall and Halloween decorations proudly on display. Just stick a fork in me; I am done.

I don't know if I will be able to hold out on decorating our front porch and the inside for Fall until late September. I mean, tomorrow is the first day of September and that is usually when I put out my Fall decorations but I think it would put off a weird vibe here in Albany since it's still pool weather. You could probably fry an egg in our driveway with the high temps we have had lately.

I also can't wait to break out my Fall clothes!!!! Jeans, sweaters, long sleeve cute shirts, boots....ahhhhh....how I would love to wear those items now.

I'm going to stop typing this blog now because it's only making me more annoyed with the weather. I said what I had to say and hopefully Mother Nature in Southwest Georgia will cooperate sooner than later!

"Healing Begins"

Dear Mammaw,

I am supposed to write this letter to you in order to move past your death and let the healing process begin. Since your passing I have felt nothing but guilt and shame on my part. I feel I let you down when you needed me the most. I was so wrapped up in my own feelings of sorrow that I ignored everyone else's feelings, including yours. I don't deal well with death and instead of facing the fact someone close to me is dying I push myself as far away as I can and ignore it. I can't cope with death and dying and I am scared of it.

I handled your sickness poorly and tried to drink all of my problems away. I numbed my thoughts and feelings with alcohol while you were sick. I would rather not feel the pain of losing someone very close to me. Instead of visiting you like I should have I would seclude myself in my apartment and drink my nights away so I wouldn't have to feel anything. I regret my actions because I lost valuable time with you. There are so many things that I needed answered before your passing that I never got to ask and now I those questions will be left unanswered. I had things I needed to tell you that were never said.

I carry an extreme amount of guilt for my actions. It's a type of guilt that is debilitating and threatens my quality of life. I would never harm myself but my obsessing over what I didn't and shouldn't have done while you were alive takes away from my present and away from my family. I am angry with myself that I didn't handle your sickness better.

I should have spent more time with you while you had good days after being diagnosed with Leukemia. I lost so much time with you because I was selfish. I wasn't there for you like I should have been. I wish I had one more day with you so I could tell you everything I didn't say and ask everything I needed answered. I wanted to know your thoughts on death and dying. Were you scared? Were you prepared to go to heaven? So many questions that will be left unanswered. Those questions will always haunt me and lay heavy on my heart and mind.

I have been a broken spirit now that you have passed. A spirit that only you could have mended before your death but I was too selfish to see it or need it. I needed your wisdom. I don't think you or I knew how much you meant to me. I have so much admiration and respect for you; you were the most selfless human being I knew or know now. You put everyone elses needs before your own. You were the thread that held our family together.

You had your quirky OCD ways that only now we truly understand. I really understand them because I am exactly like you in many ways. My family finds ways to ruffle my OCD feathers just like I did to you growing up. I am sorry for all of that because now I truly understand how nerve wracking that can be at times. I suffer from anxiety and it's hard to deal with some days. I want to run in a hole and hide from the world....probably like you did but you were so much better at hiding it than I am. I am not that strong yet.

I can only hope to make you proud by bettering myself as a person. I have stopped the things you would have frowned upon. I'm a good wife who loves her husband and takes care of him. I am a loving mother to our two children and I try to do the special traditions and little things for them  that you did for Dad and me. I also try to keep all of your holiday traditions. I continue to cook your meals for holidays and Dad is getting better at arriving on time; finally!!! We have had some really good dinners since you have passed; I think you would have been proud.

My best achievement so far has been Brody; he has changed me completely. He calls you "Grandma" when we visit your grave. Nobody told him to either; but I guess you already know that. Victoria and Brody have made me a more compassionate human being. As you would say, Brody, is "a mess" and into everything. He has a lot of the Carroll traits. He loves to rock in a rocking chair and take walks with his everyone. He has your and Dad's nose and your beautiful blue eyes.

I really wish you were here to experience all the joy he brings the family but I am sure your watching happily from above. There is so much more I could tell you and still need to express but that would take years. I just want you to know that I am sorry, I love you and I hope I have made you proud.

Love,
Jamie

Falling for Fall

I know I shouldn't wish my days away because they already fly by but I am really wishing for Fall to hurry up and present itself in Southwest Georgia....Albany to be exact. I am all for great pool and beach weather but my heart really misses the "feeling" of Fall.

Fall always makes me chipper and happy to be alive. It's like a little fire sparks inside me and I am a different person....a person that I like and the person that I am ready to be.

I love the smell of Fall...the scented candles that fill your house with warm and spicy scents. The fireplace crackling with wood and producing a warm glow throughout the living room. Pumpkins, acorns and pine cones happily decorating the house and front porch steps. I love that it's cool enough to cook your fall/winter favorites like large batches of beef stew or mouth watering chili.

And the wardrobe...God Bless the autumn wardrobe! I miss wearing my fall favorites....jeans, sweaters and boots. I love my "fall" clothes and wishes that I could wear them year round. There is nothing more comfortable than slipping on a pair of jeans paired with a cute long sleeve top and head out the door in a pair of boots. I can't wait to bust into those fashions soon. My 'fall' clothes are getting a little lonely and ready to be pulled into my everyday wear.

I love everything about Fall and the holidays that surrounds it. Fall means Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas are near. All of the three are a big deal in the Beemer House and we decorate accordingly and I am always trying to do something fun with the kids to help decorate for the occasions.

So, the countdown is on in my mind for Fall....hurry on up summer, do your thing and make it a wrap....I am ready to see you go.

It's the "Simple Things"!

Yesterday I was channel surfing on the television and I ran across some show and the topic was "simple things". We often get so busy with life and outside chaos that we forget the simple things so the result of this was to write down a list of the simple things in your life that make you happy. "Wow" was the first thought that came to my mind. I had to really think about that and *that* made me sad. I shouldn't have to "think" about it, I should know them right off the top of my head! My life is so busy that I have forgot about the simple things that make me happy. With that being said I have decided to write my "simple things" list so I have it as a reminder; it also may show that I am a bit OCD and neurotic:

* A cup of coffee in a pretty teacup before the house (Brody) wakes up.
* A bed that is made.
* All of my hangers facing the same direction in my closet.
* My sink being dirty dish free.
* The smell of Fall in the air and in my house (thanks to candles & Scentsy).
* A clean house that I didn't have to clean.
* A quiet house in the mornings.
* Sleeping in frilly vintage slips that belonged to my Mammaw.
* The smell of lavender on my sheets and clothes.
* Getting my hair cut and colored.
* Decorating inside and outdoors for every single holiday.
* A kiss in the morning from my husband.
* The kids telling me good night before bedtime.
* My fur baby, Alex, at my side all day and night
* Getting dressed up and applying make up for a date night with my husband.
* Enjoying my patio with a glass of good wine.
* Good music!!!
* An empty dirty clothes basket.
* Cooking dinner for my family and friends.
* Facebook.
* Making letters and cards to mail to the special people in my life.
* Any type of arts and crafts.
* Kisses, Hugs and cuddles from my little man.
* Victoria asking me to paint her nails or do her hair.
* Little notes from my loved ones.
* Making Brody's lunch for school.
* A hug from my Momma & Daddy.
* Sleeping on my favorite pillowcase when I visit my parents.
* Hearing my Pappaw call me "Darlin'...."
* Hearing Mike call me "Honey".
* Wearing heels with my favorite pair of blue jeans.
* Using my Mammaw's cookbooks to make dinner.


That's just a few but that is the start of my list....what's on yours?

Beemer Family Randomness

My mind is slightly scattered today so this blog is completely random with bullets instead of paragraphs. It's been a whirlwind with school starting and our mini vacay to Destin, Florida so here goes:

* Victoria started school and made it through her first day without any problems. She seems to be excited about this school year but she has a TON of expectations from all of her core classes. This will definitely be a challenging year for her.

* LCHS has their first pre-season game this coming Friday and I know Mike is beside himself with excitement. Nothing like some Southern Friday night lights and your daughter marching during halftime. He will probably get misty eyed...he's good like that.

* Brody starts school next Monday and will be going three days a week. I CAN. NOT. WAIT!!!! He needs so much stimulation and with the weather hotter than hell here it's hard to do much since your stuck indoors. I think I have watched every single episode of "Dora", "Wonder Pets", "Olivia" and the "Dinosaur Train". I am d-o-n-e with kiddy shows; I may hurl if I have to watch any more.

* I signed up for PTO which I am actually kind of excited about. I really want to be involved with Victoria's school and after school activities as much as I can and I thought that would be a good start. My day time hours are limited due to Brody's school schedule but something is better than nothing. It was either PTO or Band Boosters so I went with the one that I could be a little more flexible with. I can't commit to every Friday night (nor do I want to) so we will see how PTO works out for me

* We went to the beach the past weekend and had fun but my anxiety was up 100x more than when I am at home. I have pin pointed that I get overly anxious when I am not in my own environment. Crazy, I know, but hey, it is what it is. I personally do better with a schedule and my own little world....however, I have GOT to get over it because I like to take vacations. I know, I know, I just contradicted myself.

* I am signing Brody up for Itty Bitty Sports camp this week. It's a 6 week rotation of baseball, basketball and soccer. It introduces the little tykes to the world of sports and we definitely want him involved in athletics. The program is through the YMCA and I am excited about it.

As you can see my mind (and life) is all over the board so writing a good blog just wasn't in the cards today. However, it felt good to get it all off my mind...

My Little Vicki

As many of you know I have a beautiful step-daughter named Victoria. I really don't like to use the word "step-daughter" because in my mind she is my own flesh and blood. I met Miss Victoria as a sassy little girl who was being raised by a tender hearted Marine. It was a weird combination but I went with it and ultimately fell in love with both of them. Victoria captured my heart first and her father did years later.

Victoria and I have a unique relationship that really can't be expressed or put into words. We have been through or rough patches but what mother-daughter relationship doesn't have those?

She has blossomed from a little girl into a young lady the past 6 years and it amazes me how beautiful she is inside and out. It's hard to believe that this little elementary schooler is now starting high school this year. Where has the time gone?!?

I am a bit sad that she is entering high school because I know that our years with her at home are numbered to about four then she will be heading off to college (praying it's somewhere close to us) to pursue who dreams. At the moment she wants to be a pastry Chef but that could change like the color of her walls do every couple of years. Whatever she wants to be I will support because I love her with every ounce of my being.

Yesterday was her orientation for High School and as much as I complained about the chaos of the situation I believe that was my defense mechanism kicking in so I wouldn't burst into tears. Memories of my own high school years came flooding back and it's so refreshing to know she will be making her own wonderful memories in the near future. I am sure she will be an outstanding student (as always) as well as an active member in sports, band and clubs. Her outgoing and vibrant personality is contagious so she is always a popular kid to be around and she isn't hurting in the beauty department either (poor Mike).

So, I will wrap up by saying, I am a proud Mom to Miss Victoria and I hope her freshman year of high school is everything she wants it to be and more. I love her to pieces and I can't wait to share in the memory making of the next chapter of her life: High School.

Happy Birthday, Momma!

Happy Birthday to my best friend....my Momma. I love you very much and I can always count on you to be there whether it's a bad or good day for me.

The "infamous" Chicken Salad Blurt

I have been meaning to add this recipe to my blog for weeks now but I'm always getting sidetracked! I get online to do it and venture the opposite direction only to sit here and wonder why I got online in the first place!

So, I stopped EVERYTHING to add this to my blog while it was fresh on my mind.

Below you will find the recipe for my infamous chicken salad that I serve for all social Southern gatherings. It's Victoria's favorite dish that I make and she now knows the recipe by heart....yay! for passing something down for generations to come. This recipe comes from my Momma and I am not sure who she borrowed it from but all I do know is that it's quick and easy so it's a keeper in my book!

Chicken Salad Recipe
- 1 can of 12.5 ounces of canned white meat chicken breast (I use Tyson or the Great Value Brand)
- 3 large tablespoons of Mayo (I prefer Dukes but you can use whatever your taste buds favor)
- 3 teaspoons of Dill Pickle relish
-1/4 teaspoon of homemade seasoning (recipe below)

Shred the chicken chunks with your fork if you are opposed to using the fingers God gave you and then mix all the ingredients together. Serve fresh or chill. This goes great on Plane Jane white bread or you can fancy it up and serve it in Puff Pastry cups. Yummy!

Homemade Seasoning - kindly borrowed from Paula Deen
1 cup of Kosher Salt
1/4 cup of Fresh Ground Pepper
1/4 cup of Garlic Powder

Mix all together and keep in an airtight container. Mason Jars work best. This seasoning salt is a staple in my pantry. I use it on EVERYTHING....I mean, everything! You will too once you make it.

Enjoy!!!

The Early Bird Gets the Worm?

I am not sure what has gotten into me lately but I have been getting up early (for me) and I am starting to enjoy the stillness of the quiet house.

A month ago I would have shot down any opportunity to rise early so I could catch a few more Zzzz's but now I am ready to start my morning so I can get a few one hour to my myself before the house awakens.

Mike leaves early for work and Victoria has had band camp for the past week so she is out the door early too....that just leaves me and the little guy here for most of the day and once B is up then it's on like Donkey Kong. I don't stop running around the circles he runs around me.

Luckily, Brody is normally a late sleeper (just like his Momma...used to be) so that means I can enjoy a good cup of coffee and catch up on my DVR, Facebook & Emails or just get little things done around the house that would be virtually impossible while he was awake.

I can honestly say that I am enjoying these "free" hours and look forward to going to bed somewhat early so I can rise early and not be too tired or grumpy. Maybe this is just another part of aging...who knows. I find myself doing a lot of things lately that I once defined an "old" person doing so that is why I chose to use the old wives tale as my header....

"The Early Bird Gets the Worm"

..... and in my case it seems to be a proven fact that you get more done and feel better about things the earlier you rise. Who knew that my grandparents really knew what they were talking about!

Dimples

This morning I turned the television on and was greeted by Joel Osteen speaking about a golf ball and it's dimples. He was explaining that he read an article about the creation on the golf ball and why it was made with dimples. Most people would think a perfectly round ball would travel further than one with dimples but years of scientific research went into making the golf ball and it's proven that it travels twice as far with the dimples than if it were smooth.

He went on to discuss that we as human beings should have the same outlook on ourselves when it comes to God. He made us with "dimples" for a reason....we may question our dimples and get down on ourselves because we do have flaws but we were made that way. We should view our dimples (imperfections) as something good and not bad because those dimples will make us travel further in life because we are always striving to smooth the ball (making ourselves better).

I struggle deeply with my imperfections and my past imperfections; I feel guilty for my past mistakes and those weigh heavily on my heart. I won't go into detail of those because for one it would take forever and two I have an upcoming blog I have in mind to discuss my biggest dimple.

So, with that being said, I need to keep in mind that I was made this way....imperfections and all. I was his masterpiece, he made me with dimples and I am supposed to learn and grow from them. My dimples were not an accident and I need to learn to accept that and think of it in a positive manner and not a manner of beating myself up over them.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Wonderful are your works: my soul knows it very well."  -  Psalm chapter 139 verse 14

A Beautiful Life in the Making

My Momma sent me this birthday card two years ago and I have kept it posted on my mirror in the closet and read it every couple of days. It seems to really help me get back to "me" and it gives me a sense of comfort.

Enjoy!!

How to Make A BEAUTIFUL LIFE…Reflections for a Daughter on her Birthday

Love yourself.

MAKE PEACE with who you are

And where you are at this moment in time.

Listen to your heart.

If you can’t hear what it’s saying in this noisy world,

MAKE TIME for yourself.

Enjoy your own company.

Let your mind wander among the stars.

Try.

Take chances.

MAKE MISTAKES.

Life can be messy and confusing at times,

But it’s also full of surprises.

The next rock in your path

Might be a stepping-stone.

Be happy.

When you don’t have what you want, want what you have.

MAKE DO.

That’s a well-kept secret of contentment.

There aren’t any shortcuts to tomorrow.

You have to MAKE YOUR OWN WAY.

To know where you’re going is only a part of it.

You need to know where you’ve been too.

And if you ever get lost, don’t worry.

The people who love you will find you.

Count on it.

Life isn’t days and years.

It’s what you do with time and with all the goodness and grace

That’s inside you.

MAKE A BEAUTIFUL LIFE…

The kind of life you deserve.

One Time At Bandcamp....

One time at bandcamp....

Thanks to classic movie "American Pie" that phrase will be stuck in my head until the day I leave this earth. You can't help but say it or think it when you think, hear or say the word "band camp".

This is Victoria's first year of Marching Band and I am secretly a tad bit jealous of her getting to experience such an awesome organization. I will admit I was a totally band geek but it was "cool" to be in the "Concord High School Marching Spiders" band. The CHS band was one of the best around back in the early to late 90's. It was actually "cool" to be in band because we were that good...really we were, it's just not me saying it.

I have so many fond memories of band and I was able to do a load of cool things I would have NEVER have done unless I was a "Marching Spider". I mean, how cool was it that we were invited to march in the St. Patricks Day parade in DUBLIN, IRELAND....wow....what an amazing trip that was!!!

I can only hope that Victoria enjoys band as much as I did. Yes, it was a PITA most of the time because of the hard work and long hot hours of band camp. It was also hard on the body because marching down the steep hill while parading past excited football fans listening to the awesome cadence of our FANTASTIC drumline was hard on the shins....can you say SHIN SPLINTS?!?! Ouch.

Anyway, I guess I will be living vicariously through her this football season. I am sure she will be making memories that last a lifetime like I did....or at least I pray she does....she won't be sorry for participating in a powerful organization like the LCHS band.

Dare I say "Go Marching Trojans!"....the only bad thing about the situation is she's not a marching SPIDER.