February 22, 2011

Bugaboo Blues

Today was one of those days where my mind got to wondering too far in the future and starting getting sappy about motherhood. It started when I had an appointment with the "Lady Doctor". Normally, I am in and out of there and never think twice about motherhood but today was one of those days where I was surrounded by pregnant women and newborns. Not a good combination for someone who is already having a hard time dealing with their little one growing up. I have always gotten a little sad when I catch myself thinking about Brody spreading his wings and leaving my nest but lately it's been on my mind more than usual. I can't really pinpoint why other than it's time to enroll him in the 3 year-old preschool class and his 3rd Birthday is right around the corner. Wait....3rd Birthday?!?! Wasn't he just a teeny tiny peanut in my tummy? Where has the time gone?

My pregnancy wasn't an easy one while carrying Brody so the entire 6 months of carrying him was pretty stressful for everyone involved. And you didn't read it wrong, I found out I was pregnant after I was already 3 months along so I basically (in my mind) skipped the first trimester. So not only did I worry about all I had done BEFORE this little peanut made it's debut I had to worry about it the remainder of my pregnancy. I wasn't an angel before I got pregnant and I liked to have a good time which meant drinking, friends and late nights out was an every weekend thing. Needless to say I was an emotional wreck the day the Doctor told me I was 12 weeks along and proceeded to let us hear the heartbeat on the monitor. Since that day I have never stopped worrying and I am sure if your a Mom, you haven't either.

So fast forward 2.5 years and here I am sitting here wondering and worrying about what the future holds for my son. My heart breaks to think about him growing up and leaving me. He is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me and I am blessed that he is a healthy, bright and vibrant child. He fills my days with rays of sunshine, smiles that hurt, nerves that are tested and giggles that make my stomach hurt. I wouldn't trade any of it for anything and I honestly wish I could bottle it all up and keep it on a shelf for the days when he is no longer marking on my walls with crayons, giving me kisses without hesitation, asking me hundreds of crazy little questions and telling me "No, Mommy, No". I know I will miss all of that so I really do try to take it all in and store it in my memory bank.

I am so fiercely protective of Brody that I feel sorry for the person that hurts his feelings, makes him cry, picks on him or breaks his little heart. I have already had my heart break for him last week and I hated that feeling. I think I read more into the situation than I should have but it really upset me. And to think I already feel this way when he is only 2.5; I pity the person when he is older. 

My biggest fear is that one day this little boy will be too big for his Momma and won't need me anymore. I have heard horror stories about how little boys grow up and never look back. My soul would shatter into a million pieces if that were to happen. I can't imagine a holiday without him sitting down at MY table (note: *MY* meaning not the in-laws). I know  that sounds very selfish, bitter and mean but that is how I feel and it's honest. My other worry is that my son will want to follow in his Daddy's footsteps and become a United States Marine. That would honestly make me physically ill because after living in a base town I have seen the worst that could happen. I don't want to be that Mom who opens her door to a set of Marines telling me my son has passed away. I know that is a horrible way of thinking but I can't help it.

I worry about my son and his health; watching Jerry's Kids or Make a Wish telathons are more  than this Momma can handle. I worry about what could happen the day he learns to ride a bike, drive a car, etc. It's completely insane what your mind will come up with once you are a Mom. I keep telling myself that this type of thinking doesn't make me nuts or crazy; it makes me a  Momma who loves her soon to infinity and back. Hopefully he will feel the same when he gets older and I am no longer "Momma"; I'm just "Mom". 

1 comment:

  1. This is so very sweet.. The baby of my family is my son too.. and he's going to be 12 this year.. I feel your pain/anxieties.. But one silver lining.. he may still call you Momma when he gets older.. My daughter is 14, and I'm still Mommy to her, and to my son, I am still Momma.. :) it warms my heart to this day.. <3