Today's blog was basically brought about because I have to attend a function for Mike's work tomorrow and I had to go dress shopping. I honestly hate going shopping and it's not because I don't like spending money or I hate clothes; it's because I can NEVER find anything that fits. I probably walk out of the store with the same feelings an overweight person might feel. I spend hours looking through every single rack trying to find my size (which is a size 0 - zero) only to walk away empty handed, depressed, angry, hopeless and my wallet is burning a hole through my purse.
Many of you have known me for years and know that I have always been small. I still weigh under a 100 pounds and I have been the same weight and size since High School. I don't exercise and I don't diet or watch what I eat. I probably have the worst diet of any of you. It's in my genes or make-up and it's something that I have tried to change for years and years.
My mother took me
Middle School and High School was really rough for me because I was constantly reminded of how small I was. I always dreaded when we studied health in school because it was 2x worse when we were on the subjects of "self-image" and "Eating Disorders" -- I felt like the elephant in the room. Some people were envious and others were just plain mean and picked on me about it. I would pray at night just so God would make me a size 3 or 5 because I hated being so thin. I hated everything about my body because in my eyes and to a large majority of others I was not "normal" and I was a freak for being so skinny. To this day I still have a hard time wearing shorts because I always look in the mirror and hear the comments that have echoed in my head for all of these years...."chicken legs", "you got two strings hanging out of your pants", "bones".
Being small has some perks but not as many as one would think. I still can get away with buying kids capris during the summer (as long as they aren't too "kiddy" with little sequins, etc. attached). I also can fit into kids skirts and shorts as long as the length is okay and they aren't childish. There was a time when I could wear kids jeans but now I am too tall so they fit in the waist but the length is too short. Those perks save me money but it still a blow to my self esteem if I have to resort to the kids section for options. I can't tell you how much money I have spent over the years hemming and taking in clothes, it's insane. As I have gotten older it's even harder to find clothes for my "age". I am 32 years old and I can't be walking around town with Hannah Montana on my shirt and some sparkley embroidered flower thing on my pants leg nor can I go walking around with some of the clothes from the Juniors department. It's a no win situation, honestly.
I know this next section may piss some people off so I will go ahead and say I am sorry if I offend anyone but it is MY blog and it's about MY feelings.
The world and media seemed to be so obsessed with weight that it's out of control. We have "The Biggest Loser" (which I do watch and enjoy), "Dance your ass off" (love it, too) and "I used to be fat". While most of these episodes concentrate on the person getting healthy by eating and exercising right you have a hand full who want to be "skinny" and they don't care what it takes to get there. Those type of people are the ones who really get to me because becoming "skinny" doesn't solve any problems, if anything, they are trading themselves in for another set of insults and jokes -- this time they aren't "fat" they are "anorexic".
Being small has many disadvantages of a person who suffers being overweight when it comes to society and the way people think. For instance, I get stared at just as much while eating out as a person who is overweight. You know the stares I am talking about; the ones where they are looking at the amount of food your eating. For an overweight person it's the amount of food you are putting on your plate and in your mouth. For me, it's the amount of food I order/eat and then if I go to the bathroom to purge myself. Obese people have problems sitting on amusement park rides, guess who else does?!? I do! Some of the rides at theme parks don't fit tightly enough as I would like but they are still considered "safe". When overweight people start exercising/walking they are observed by others watching...those people are commenting under their breath like "yeah, that person needs to be walking, etc, etc.". Funny thing is that I get the same observations but the comments are more like "poor thing she's exercising/walking she must have some sort of body image problem or she is skinny enough, why is she exercising?". The list goes on and on and on....but I will stop there.
Okay, I feel better after getting this off of my chest (that's the point of a blog, right?) and I hope that I gave you some insight on what it's truly like to be "skinny". As you can see, it's not all that it's cracked up to be. I have come to accept that I am who I am and I have the body that I was meant to have.
And for shopping early....I did find the P.E.R.F.E.C.T dress for tomorrow night but it took some time to dig around for a size that would fit. Nothing like being a size 0 with hips and a bust!